They are good
as they keep you on track and push you to take that extra mile.
But they are the same reason
why you go nights without sleeping,
why you choke in that room of yours, why you collapse right down to your knees and want it all to just end.
You try to get better, you take chances, try new adventures, take that jump.
But it never goes away.
And somehow you know that it never will.
Nor will it get any easier even if you get any better.
As you grow older, there is a whole new series of threats lined up for you.
Sometimes you just want to fuck it all and go live somewhere where no one even knows your name.
But then you got pretty well attached to this world, so you can’t leave.
Now that you are drugged by the idea of life, You know it’s all an illusion but
even in an illusion, you don’t want to be the one whom others get a chance to laugh at.
Even if it hardly matters in the very end, but now that you are here, you want it all.
So all your life you stay here and keep
wrestling with your supposed inadequacies.
Being scared all the time isn’t cool.
But if tamed, it keeps you superbusy.
It’s like someone is constantly trying to drown you and you are trying so hard
to just not die.
That’s the moment when you are
splashing in sea of your existence,
hustling with all your might,
restlessly panting for breath,
gasping for some air.
That’s when you start loving life more than usual.
The smallest of things start meaning a lot to you. That one moment of relief, that easing up of the tension for even a few minutes..
That smile, That feeling you get after a completed write-up, it’s that one pant of breath, that one gulp of air which you were dying for.
That’s the reason why you cherish it all so much. Because that’s the moment when you know that you made it to the surface.
And this keeps happening all your life,
The drowning in, The coming out, That one pant of breath.
Every single day.
With each wrong move you go a little deeper,
With each right one, you bounce up.
And if you don’t keep fighting then those waters will drown you forever.
You know that It’s not a mere rat race. It’s a bloody war that never ends.
You can feel the noise, the clamour,
The nails clnging in your skin,
The hands reaching for your throat.
You can see people losing, dying. And you don’t want to be one of them.
And you know that this world wouldn’t hesitate to rip you apart, if only you give it a chance.
Those fears… They aren’t all imaginary.
It’s the intense awareness of reality that’s actually scary.
You know where even the slightest bit of your incompetence can lead you to.
You can see it all happening and you don’t want it to happen.
Because you know that the day it happens,
you’ll be the only one responsible for it.